I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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