So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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