I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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