i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
