if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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