I only kidnapped one of them. chill
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
