tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
