I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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