he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
