My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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