You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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