Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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