Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
