Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
