u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am one with the molecules
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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