I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
