I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
