:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
