Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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