I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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