i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
