Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this just has baby written all over it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You made out with two different species that night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
