can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
