nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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