you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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