you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
