Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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