I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
