if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
