The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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