Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
