My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
