Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
