If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
