Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
