i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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