Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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