I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
