I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
