I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You need Xanax blowdarts
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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