We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
