I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
