lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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