his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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