4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
