I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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