Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
