ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
