I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My penis needs a shock collar
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
