Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
