I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
