So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
