I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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