What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
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The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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