Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i love accidental penises.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
