WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
