So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
