Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
