He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
