at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
