I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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