I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
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I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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