genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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