The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
