How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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