May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just invented taco cereal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
