can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
